By Brian J. Karem
(with apologies to Clement Clarke Moore and/or Major Henry Livingston Jr.)
“Twas the night before Christmas and all thru the White House
Not a creature was stirring except the man the Dems called a louse;
Nancy and Chuck were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that the base would soon torture them there;
But the federal workers weren’t nestled snug in their beds;
They had visions of being on furlough dancing in their heads;
While Pence in his kerchief and Mulvaney in his cap,
stuck their fingers in the dike and screamed “Lord, what crap!”
And while out on the border there really was no clatter,
Trump started screaming “Hey what’s the matter?”
Away to the imaginary wall he flew in a flash
to shut down the government with an angry splash.
Lions and tigers and bears oh my!
He screamed drug dealers and murderers and terrorists were getting by.
The drama he created and swore he would own
he denied and blamed on everyone else, bringing a groan.
So for the Wall that Trump promised Mexico would pay
was now upon us to fund - or the government would go away.
And we knew immediately as we heard the speech from the stump,
the man leading the charge was none other than Trump.
“Now Mattis, Now Kelly, Now Hope and McMaster!
Lead us all from the precipice of this nasty disaster!”
But the servants were gone - they’d fled over the North gate!
Yes. Dashed away. Dashed away all - they couldn’t wait!
Behind them stood brooding Ivanka, Junior and Eric
with their increasing thoughts of avarice and greed so esoteric.
The swirling eddies of pestilence then brought more fear
as a SCOTUS justice began screaming, “I Still Like Beer!”
At that point faithful Kellyanne smirked and jumped in,
with “alternate facts” and “smocking guns” of irrational spin.
Sarah Huckabee Sanders grabbed her notes with a running gate
to make sure the lies could be spread with little or no wait.
Then in a twinkling I heard Trump jump into the street,
began to preach to the converted from his lofty gold seat.
As he drew in his heads we became moribund at the sound
to see Mitch McConnell approaching like a chinless Hell Hound.
A bundle of empty promises Trump flung on his back,
to keep the faithful together as he sprung his Shutdown Smackdown trap.
Trump’s eyes - how they twinkled! How McConnell looked so merry!
They were stealing from the poor and it was getting quite hairy.
The Mueller investigation was slowly closing in
causing Trump to question if he could get away with even a little sin.
Cohen was a rat, a dirty stinkin’ liar and much more
Trump wanted to grind him to bits to even the score.
The gristle of his dignity Trump ground with his teeth,
He feared it would go up in flames like a match on a dry wreath.
The cries of “Fake News” from his cheeks so orange and red,
Made us all realize that there was much more to dread;
He spoke not a word, but went straight to twitter,
Where his spewing amounted to nothing but divisive litter.
And laying his finger once more on his beloved phone
He swore vengeance on everything and everyone he did not own.
He then sprang like a ferret on bennies to Marine One for an escape
with our only hope that like Nixon he had left us some incriminating tape.
Then I heard him exclaim with a chill that gave us fright:
“Make America Great Again! But line my pockets with more money