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The handy dandy POTUS excuse primer

Updated: Dec 9, 2019

Thrill your neighbors and friends with an excuse for any presidential scandal!

Each day brings a new high in lows. A new stink and a need for a drink. So enjoy this Thanksgiving season knowing you too can come up with a quick excuse for any presidential scandal.

With an impeachment imminent, despite whatever Donald Trump says, his defenders are circling the wagons as they are attacked by environmentalists, scientists, vaping fanatics, most minorities, liberals, snowflakes, members of the LGBTQ community, women's rights groups, civil rights groups, veterans, members of the intelligence community, members of the military, school children, members of the PTA, the NFL, veteran groups, most labor unions, farmers, Clinton lovers and employees of any Trump hotel.

You have to feel some empathy for these poor Trump folks, being hit with facts, figures, testimony and common sense. Poor Devin Nunes. Poor Lindsey Graham.

As a public service here is the rapid response card you need to answer any fact-based attack. In so much as Dear Donald has made catchphrases and slogans a part of his repertoire I will endeavor to keep the retorts concise so they can be shouted quickly and without thought. Whenever someone questions the president be ready! Here goes, so start shouting!:

1. Just get over it.

2. What about her emails?

3. Fake News.

4. The Steele Dossier!

5. It’s a coup!

6. It’s a hoax! - This is usually followed by:

7. When are they going to investigate Obama and Biden?

8. Shifty Schiff rigged the rules. He should resign.

9. Wait until the facts come out!

10. What about Biden’s son?

11. Everybody does it. (Usually followed by yelling out the first response above.)

12. The witnesses just want a book deal.

13. If the president does it, then it’s legal.

14. Biden did it.

15. What about her emails?

16. Facts? Here’s a fact: Trump is the best president of my lifetime and you’re jealous.

17. Trump is making America Great Again!

18. Conspiracy! Witch Hunt! (use in combination or loudly to obtain maximum effect)

19. It’s all about the left making stuff up. Trump’s a blue-collar billionaire.

20. You need to stop watching CNN and watch more FOX.

21. You ever heard of White Water? Chappaquiddick? The Clintons killed Epstein to shut him up.

22. What about her emails?

23. It’s Obama’s fault. He’s been going after Trump since he became a candidate.

24. The “Deep State” is out to get our president.

25. Fake News!

26. Trump hardly knew him. He was a coffee boy. He ran errands. (To be used whenever a close Trump associate is jailed/fined/ or found guilty.)

27. Russian Hoax!

28. But, what about her emails?

29. The Democrats colluded with Russia to hack the 2016 election.

30. No Collusion!

31. Why don't the Democrats pass some legislation and leave Trump alone?

32. Nervous Nancy Pelosi doesn't like Trump!

33. But, seriously, what about her emails?

34. Comey did it.

35. Clinton committed perjury. Trump is entitled to his opinion.

36. The Whistleblower made it up and is a “Never Trumper.” (insert any name for ‘whistleblower’ when appropriate).

37. Corrupt Media! (not the computer kind)

38. Those snowflakes won’t stop picking on the president!

39. Clinton had all the witnesses killed!

40. Fusion GPS! The Democrats did it!

So remember. Have fun and keep these thoughts close to your heart: What about the e-mails? The others guys did it. And it is always someone else’s fault!


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